Most people discover porn before they have their first healthy relationship, or their first contact with an actual pizza delivery person. It’s fair to say porn is easy to find, and can be hard to swallow. Yet, how we view porn influences how we have sex. For some people porn can become addictive, and they develop an unhealthy relationship with it – what researchers call problematic pornography use (PPU). No doubt, this complicates things both sexually and relationally. But if we err on the side of moderation, perhaps we can learn a thing or two from porn.
Turn-ons? Turn offs? Turns out…
The plethora of porn products makes it a resource ripe for exploration. Yes, porn is full of questionable lessons (spoiler: women don’t usually orgasm from three minutes of sex and lots of women don’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone) but it is also full of new ideas and fantasies. Porn shows us new positions, kinks, words, role-plays, and cosplays. Porn verifies our yums, while also confirming our yucks. Porn shows us ways to invite novelty and playfulness into our pleasure. And, when fantasies are explored between any number of consenting adults – or with the help of our favorite toys, we get to try! new! things!
Can we tawk?
Porn doesn’t only provide visuals; it also provides vocabulary. Especially if your bedroom style currently involves a lot of mindreading or a whole lot of silence, porn can be a great place to learn dirty talk. Listening to performers say things out loud, or maybe just moan a lot, might give us permission to play with words or speak our fantasies. From playful banter to erotic stories whispered in your partners ear, we get to use our mouths to shape our experience. The goal isn’t to mimic what you hear, but to notice what sparks joy. When we find words that feel authentic, we can turn communication into sexual connection.
2 C or not 2 C – Commitment and confidence for the win
Professional porn actors show up with confidence and commitment to their scene and their partner/s. Their curves, flaps, and hairy or hairless patches showcase a whole rainbow of sexy. The sweat, spit and slips that come from sexual build up and movement remind us that sex isn’t flawless. And yet, nobody is letting their hang ups destroy their hard-ons. If you show up with the confidence and commitment to be in the experience, you may stay present enough to be in your body and out of your mind all at once.
Bottom line, porn isn’t a how-to manual, it is more like a buried treasure map, or a magnifying glass. It gives us ideas about how to connect deeply, differently or more daringly. It isn’t all good, or all bad, but it is how most of us get our first sex education.
