Hi Holly. Is it ever a good idea to attempt a rekindling with an ex? Some backstory: we broke up four years ago and were together for about two years. Our mutual best friends set us up. From my perspective, we didn’t work out because neither of us were able to communicate well. Things were left unsaid until they’d fester.
I’ve been in therapy and started medication since the breakup. I do feel I’m better at expressing myself because of this. Recently, our best friends got married and my ex was in attendance. The whole month leading up to the wedding, I was a nervous wreck because we haven’t talked since the breakup.
After some liquid courage, I approached and asked if it would be better if I keep the radio silence. They said no and we caught up very briefly but that was about the extent of it. I don’t know if I’m just hanging on to the memories of the good times. What do you think?
I think you’re jumping the gun! I think you’re putting the cart before the horse and counting chickens without their input or the clarity of a full picture. I think… well, who the fuck cares what I think? What does your ex think? Because if the issue with your relationship back then was communication, it hasn’t really changed. You’re still not communicating. You’re creating a narrative in your head about a potential reconciliation with so little information as to where this person is in their lives, if they have changed, if they’re interested, and if they agree on the reasons you broke up in the first place. This sounds like fantasy fiction! And that’s okay. Telling ourselves stories is a very enjoyable part of life. But if you’re going to involve someone else in that story in any real way, you might want to share your fantasy with them. And if the problem really was communication, the first step in doing things differently this go around would be to communicate. With them. And to listen to what they wants, need and have to say.
As far as rekindling with an ex? That’s not my style. I did it once and it was a huge waste of time. A slicing open of scar tissue. It only set me back, frustrated me and reminded me that the most painful kind of betrayal is that of the self. This person had not changed. Not at all. And I’m not sure why I was under the illusion he had. Maybe because I had changed. And when we do, we forget that not everyone takes the time and energy to do that. Not everyone can meet us at our new level.
I’ve become the kind of person who likes to move forward. I don’t romanticize the past. I learn from it. I grow from it. There is a big world out there, filled with new people and experiences that better match who you are today or who you hope to be.
All that said, do what makes you happy. And if you don’t know what that is, maybe spend some more time on your own trying to figure it out.
Dear Holly, I’m feeling pressure to return to ED habits or Ozempic (which I believe is medical ED) due to stress weight. I eat well and exercise 4-5x a week but after quitting ED, I gained 50lbs over two years during perimenopause.
You are not alone. Unfortunately, yours is one of several letters I’ve received from people who are feeling the weight of society’s latest scream: that women are supposed to shrink into oblivion. Or turn back into children! Whatever happened to body positivity and loving ourselves? Well… Who needs those antiquated ideas when science says you can just stick a needle in the squish of your flesh and just like a magician’s wand, it will make you disappear?
I too am activated by this new, old craze of being stick-fucking thin. I get it. I’ve been battling my own human form since I was a teen model, getting pinched, poked at, side eyed, whispered about and always, always, always being told to lose ten pounds. That small bit of skin between the fingers of stylists and agents forever glued to my subconscious, reminding me I’m too big and too much to be loved, to be successful, to be. And the truth is: I was thin then and I’m thin now. But still…
The times I’ve been rewarded or praised for my body have been after a month-long bout of diarrhea when I got a parasite in Peru. After the most difficult breakup of my life (with my mother, who, like all mothers had issues with her body too). And let’s not forget when the lining of my stomach got all fucked up from Covid and I was unable to process most any food for a year or more.
So basically, I must suffer to be deemed beautiful. And isn’t that the actual message that women have been fed, far more than any actual food? A woman in need, in pain, suffering and crying is the most desirable kind? The Disney princesses showed us this—all of whom needed saving.
I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering. And perimenopause is no joke. Crazy that we are only hearing about its existence as of recently. I feel you on all fronts, and like I said, so many women do. You’re not alone! Okay, so what to do?
To combat suffering, we must accept what is. I think the most punk rock and rebellious thing anyone can do is to love ourselves unconditionally. Reward yourself with pleasure. Pleasure is the thing that creates true beauty in the world, the lives of others and in ourselves. I believe it is the antidote to all of this suffering.
And when it comes to pleasures of the flesh, what makes you feel genuinely, physically the best? Do that. Eat healthy because it tastes better than junk. If you avoid processed sugar, after a week, the taste of a raspberry will blow your mind. Pleasure. If you cut alcohol, you will feel excited to rise early, looking forward to that first glorious sip of coffee. Pleasure. And when you do wake up, your body will be in agreement with the act of getting out of bed, embracing the day, moving fast, heavy breathing, the sensation of a bead of sweat on your brow as you exercise because it feels fucking great. You’ll listen when it asks for hydration—all that water that makes your skin glow from within.
Run your hands over your curves. Think about sex. Give yourself orgasms or allow yourself to receive them from someone else. Love more and harder, even non sexually. Reach out to friends who you can go for long walks with. Drink tea. Read books that fill you with wonder and curiosity. Get dressed every day. Wear clothes that make you feel pretty.
Focus more on feeling good and less on your weight. Focus on loving yourself, finding things about yourself that make you proud, those little attributes that make you unique. Really think of you and your body as your temple, as lame as that sounds. But the more you love it, it’s going to love you back. The more you accept yourself, the more all of us can learn to do the same.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack, HollyWould, watch her internet series, Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
