Most of us learned the language of our bodies long before we learned the language of pleasure. The words we heard growing up, and the ones we didn’t, have quietly shaped how at home we feel in our own skin.
Sexual conditioning is real. The messages we absorb from parents, community, religion, and media stick around far longer than most of us realize. The words we use to describe our middle parts often reveal the lens through which we see ourselves. And those words don’t just describe our bodies; they can influence how comfortable we feel inhabiting them. Whether it’s “down there,” “bits,” or another less-than-empowering euphemism, it’s time to stop feeding the shame monster.
Recently, the Dutch dictionary Dikke van Dale (whose pronunciation is not lost on my sex-forward brain) added a new word for labia to its online dictionary. The original term, schaamlippen (“shame lips”), was joined by vulvalippen (“vulva lips”), intended to help reclaim language around women’s bodies. Instead of framing the vulva as a source of shame, the new term simply calls it what it is. And that’s the point: language doesn’t just describe how we see our bodies; it can help shape how we experience them.
That same shift, from shame to naming, can change how we talk about sex, too.
Words are where sex usually begins, whether through a text or an in-person conversation, and they can be there throughout the experience, all the way from arousal to orgasm to aftercare. Along the way, words shift in tone, delivery, sound, and volume. What we say, and how we say it, is often sensitive to environment, ethics, energy, and relationship.
The language we use to express desire can shape the mood. Are you a “Do you want to have sex?” kind of asker, or an “I want to have sex” kind of declarer? And when you ask for sex, what are you asking for? A quickie? A make-out session? Just to be touched? We’re not all working from the same dictionary. Sometimes softer words like intimacy, romance and play open the door wider, inviting partners toward each other with more desire, more ease and a lot less pressure to reach the finish line.
Once things heat up, words become a roadmap. We call it “dirty talk,” when really, it’s about speaking truth to pleasure. Whatever we say, “yes,” “more,” “slower,” and “right there” are some of the sexiest directions you can give. Telling your partner what feels good, what you want next, or simply letting a moan do the talking keeps pleasure and consent in the room. Talking during sex isn’t about scripts or performance (unless it is). It’s about saying out loud what your body is already shouting.
Therein lies the paradox of language: the same words that once taught us to hide can become the very words that set us free. Words matter, and the words we choose to let someone know they matter can head straight to a person’s heart, to their head, and to their hard-on (metaphorical or otherwise). Love may always be a little amorphous, but we get to choose the words that give it shape.
Jamye Waxman, PhD is a sex and couples therapist based out of Los Angeles, CA.
