Dear Holly, I’ve got a situation that I really need your take on. So, my girlfriend and I were fooling around while I was driving on some backroads—she was going down on me, to be specific—when a deer suddenly jumped out. I ended up hitting it, and now my car is completely ruined. Because of the wreck, I’m stuck driving a Ford Focus to school every day. Since she was the one distracting me when it happened, I feel like it’s kind of her fault. Do you think she should have to help pay for the damages too?
What happened to the deer?! Is it still alive? Because if so, you should take it to court and file a suit and make it pay to the highest extent of the law. Clearly, you need someone to point a finger at. Blame the deer!
Is this a ridiculous train of thought? It’s about as silly as you asking if your sweet, innocent girlfriend should pay for the damages to your car. The car that YOU were driving. Correction: your previous car, seeing as you still have the great fortune of having one—the Ford Focus.
And speaking of, let’s focus on the positive. You and your girlfriend are uninjured. You have a girlfriend that goes down on you. You have a girlfriend that is so much fun, she goes down on you when you drive. You have a girlfriend. Period.
You should be thanking her for her service, worshipping her very existence and sending flowers for endangering her precious life in the crash. Because you, as the driver, are responsible for what happens when you get behind the wheel. So, buckle up and buck up. (Pun intended). This one’s on you.
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Dear Holly, My boyfriend and I are about to move in together, and I should be excited — but I’m kind of panicking about one thing: he’s a hoarder. Not in a dirty way, but in a “keeps literally everything” way. Old electronics boxes, random cords, stacks of magazines, clothes he hasn’t worn in years — his apartment looks like a storage unit. I’m the total opposite. I like a clean, minimal space where I can actually relax. Every time I bring up getting rid of things, he gets defensive and says it’s “not hurting anything.” But if we’re about to share a home, it kind of is hurting something — my sanity. Is this something couples can realistically compromise on, or am I about to move into a clutter nightmare?
Excuse my bluntness. Don’t do it. Don’t live together. Keep your own separate homes. This is too big of a disparity in lifestyle. Why must you live together? Not all couples need cohabitate. One of the happiest I know have been together ten years and live in their own homes, a block away from one another. I know this is some Frida and Diego shit and not everyone can afford this lifestyle, but it certainly keeps things sexy.
Arguing about “stuff” and cleanliness is not sexy. I have another pal who, along with her actual children has taken on the role of mother to her junk-loving-baby daddy, tidying up after him as he drops a trail of dirty socks and underwear. Living together will compound what you already know to be truly insufferable when it comes to your happiness and mental state. A compromise you shouldn’t have to make. Do you want to be nagging and losing your shit? You can kiss your sex life goodbye.
As far as his mental state, this too should be addressed. Why is he so attached to some dusty shit he likely never even sees? Is he more attached to it than to you? If so, this should be unpacked with his therapist, God willing he has one. Re-think the living situation, or you’ll be stuck in a tornado of crap, rethinking your whole life.
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Dear Holly, Nine years into my relationship, I suggested opening things up. I thought I wanted something new. At first my boyfriend resisted, but eventually he embraced it—so much so that he’s now fallen in love with someone else. He says he doesn’t want to lose me and thinks the solution is that we just become poly. Meanwhile I’m quietly heartbroken. I haven’t told him how jealous I am. Instead, I’ve been trying to date too, telling myself maybe if I find someone new it will make this arrangement easier—the one I pushed for in the first place. The worst part is that this whole situation has made me realize how much I actually love him and want him to myself. It’s almost like seeing him through her eyes. Suddenly he’s working out, being romantic again, eating better, even making more money. The man I felt myself drifting away from has somehow become the man I fell in love with again. Except now he wants to be poly. And I don’t.
“JUST KIDDING! SIKE!” In the land of polyamory, are there take-backs? Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve crossed into the zone of too late. But honestly, you were looking for “something new” and you got it. Funny how we usually get what we ask for.
The arrangement you pushed for landed your relationship in uncharted territory and changed everything, including both of you. Just not in the way you’d hoped. Though I’m not sure what you’d actually hoped for. Did you really play this out? In the rule of threes, one is almost always left out. It’s inherent to that uneven number.
Rather than a game of tit for tat, a very honest conversation with your partner might be a better move. Both of you should get clear on what you really, truly want in your secret heart of hearts. And if you don’t want to be in a throuple, he’s going to have to choose. You, or her and his new lifestyle.
But what about her, the one he’s fallen in love with? And what about any person you might ensnare into your messy romantic entanglement? Have you considered these others? These are not pawns, but real people with real feelings, hopes and dreams. There’s a lot of potential here for a whole lot of broken hearts.
Maybe you need to accept that you’ve both changed, even prior to the arrangement. And grown apart. Maybe it’s time for you—rather than flirting with the chaos of going further down the rabbit hole of open relationships—to go deep within and discover what YOU want your life to look like, all on your own.
This is no shade to open relationships or polyamory—a lifestyle which works well for some people—but when things aren’t working in coupledom, adding more people, whether it be lovers, children or pets, is usually not the answer.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
