The Psychology of Sex: Erection Defection

The Psychology of Sex: Erection Defection

What do you do when your dick (or your partner’s dick) doesn’t do what you want it to do?

Penetrating the depths of our modern-day sex wows and woes through the psychological and physiological musings of Playgirl’s resident sex therapist, Jamye Waxman, MEd, LMFT.

Here’s the thing…. if you want a dick to keep on dicking, you have to get down to what’s going on. Get curious about what’s going on, but don’t get cold, callous and uncaring.

So let’s check in.

How is your, or your partner’s penis feeling?  When is it feeling perky, when is it feeling pressure, does it experience pain? Can it get hard while masturbating, and how much effort does it take to get off?

Pay attention to things that turn the dick on, or things that turn the dick off, or things that just don’t make him turn.

If you own the dick in question, notice how you talk to yourself and to your body. Are you cursing and fussing when your penis won’t perform? Are you thinking bad thoughts about your body? Are you beating yourself up or trying too hard to beat off? Be compassionate to yourself, or your partner, because it’s hard when you’re having a not-so-hard-time.

If you don’t own the dick, notice how you talk to your partner when he can’t get an erection. If you’re asking questions like, “Do you love me?,” “What’s wrong?,” “Why can’t you get hard?” it’s time to notice that these questions can feel accusatory and lead to defensiveness and lower desire. Speak to him as if you see the best in the boner and his body. Let him know, “It’s okay.” “We can be intimate in other ways,” “We will figure this out.” What I often see in my own practice is that it’s an issue within a relationship, or with a relationship to porn or other substances. And sometimes it’s a medication issue, especially when a person is on an anti-depressant with sexual side effects. All of these things need to be addressed in order to understand what’s going on.

Whether it’s shy dick, whiskey dick, unhappy-in-the-relationship-dick, or physiologically unwell dick, there are many things that can lead to lack of arousal. Sure, it’s distressing, but before getting too down, you need to dive deep into what is happening. Sometimes it helps to find someone to talk to, a neutral third party for those in relationships, who can help navigate the feelings of rejection and distress that often arise. It’s also important to take that dick to a medical doctor to confirm any other compliance issues. And no matter how you get there, the best thing you can do is show your body love and respect. Remember, it’s attached to someone you care about, and you can figure this out, and you will. Just don’t be a dick about it.

Some questions to ask when you, or your partner, is experiencing ED…

  • When do you notice your best erections? Time of day? Mood? Activity?
  • What do you say to yourself once you get an erection?
  • How is your relationship with your partner and does he/she/they make you feel any sorts of uncomfortable or negative feelings?
  • What other things have gotten in the way of your relationship/sex life?
  • With what frequency is this happening and when does it happen?
  • How much porn are you watching?
  • How much and how often are you drinking?
  • Are you on a medication that could impact erections?