Much of the media sells sex by sharing tips and tricks to master the bating, lick the lingam, pluck the peach, and assume the position. While those sex tips are well intentioned, they often focus on the technique and neglect a bigger point – the role of feeling connected to your partner. when it comes to sex that connects, consider these six sex tips:
- Listen. The best thing you can do for your partner is to hear what they are saying, and let them know that you understand what they want, need and like. It’s not about being right, wrong, defensive, or offensive, it’s about truly listening. I often instruct my clients to hold listening parties in which one of them talks and the other says nothing and listens. They set a timer, and the speaker talks for the allotted time while the listener, listens. This doesn’t just help communication; it allows for connection. Because listening during sex can give you some important verbal and non-verbal cues into what is working, or what isn’t.
- Stop the scorekeeping. Scientists, researchers, accountants, and mathematicians all need to be skillful with numbers in their professions, but in your personal life, leave the math alone. You do not need to keep score in your relationships, as it is likely to build resentment and unlikely to get you laid. Whether it’s about who initiates sex more, who comes more often, who takes out the garbage with more frequency, or who contributes more financially or personally, unless the imbalance is causing lethal damage to the foundation of your relationship, try to remember that relationships are not 50/50. Let it go. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Use those strengths to your sexy advantage.
- Know your love languages. Whether you jive with the five (in which case, I like to add that I believe there is a sixth love language… space), or prefer to incorporate 18, understanding how we give and receive love that isn’t sexual in nature, is going to help us feel sexual in nature (or in the house, the car, wherever!).
- Consent. While consent can be described as an “ongoing, enthusiastic, hell yes!” it is also, as Dr. Betty Martin so beautifully illustrates, a wheel in which we are allowing, accepting, serving, or taking. Think about what type of consent you are giving and receiving during sexual play, and be clear and direct with your partner about the things you want to do to them, and want them to do to you.
- It’s okay to act silly. When you think about what sex looks like, sounds like, and even the acts that we perform when we have it, it’s no wonder that sex is a form of play. Next time you’re looking for a way to heat things up, why not try wrestling or chasing one another, or dancing and jumping together? Try a game of strip poker or truth or dare to spice things up on occasion. Don’t take it so seriously. You’re allowed to have fun.
- Focus on the journey, not the destination. As mentioned before, orgasms are great, but sex is often done when they are over. If you want a longer lasting love making sesh, it’s not about finishing, it’s about starting, and stopping, and starting and slowing down and speeding up, and well, you get the drift.
