Dear Holly, are there any good men out there? I fear there are none and only scraps left.
Fear is a liar and a trickster. When your mind is in this mode it shrinks your purview, unable to see beyond its myopia. But it’s not your fault. Media and zeitgeist-y conversations about men not being lonely enough are battering down our psyches while the men who appear at our doors are severely lacking, or sometimes even psycho.
Let me help expand your world view, beyond the single girl hell-takes. I was just there, right where you are. Chronically unattached for ten-ish years and it seemed every attempt I made to connect with men made me more certain there were none left. I even dated through a wave of divorces and breakups, only to watch those briefly single men get into new relationships and marry again, while I remained on an island of loneliness. Scrap city.
After interviewing about 800 men for my show, Manthropology, I became even more despondent. I wasn’t attracted to any of them, and my certainty that I was a lost cause when it came to love, grew.
And then I met my current boyfriend. The most solid man I’ve ever encountered—we have the most fulfilling, fun, exciting, sexy and healthy relationship I’ve ever heard of. Beyond my dreams. He was so worth the wait. In fact, he showed up at the perfect time.
That will happen for you too. Shortly after I met my guy, my single girlfriends also got into relationships with wonderful men. Sometimes we just need to see to believe. There’s a much-lauded trick in manifestation, whether you subscribe to that kind of thing or not; the practice of detachment. I’ve said this many times… the more comfortable and happier you feel with yourself, the less you’ll need a man. And then, you’ll be more likely to meet someone beyond your wildest dreams. Fill your own cup. Focus on yourself and trust. He’ll show up right on time.
###
Dear Holly, how do I find like-minded women who have de-centered men to make genuine friendships with?
I thought I had a best friend, after a 25-year friendship she sold me out for the man she left her husband of 20 years for. Now, as a 43-year-old, I am struggling to find new friends that are not male centered. I know my geographical location is a huge factor (Midwestern Nebraska). I just also feel so betrayed. Time will heal that though. Thank you, Lindsey
This is so brutal and so real! Serendipitously, I spoke about this exact thing on the internet a few days ago and the comments blew up. Clearly, we are not alone in our frustration of being ditched by our good girlfriend for bad dudes. I get it so hard. It happened to me with my own mother, who married a man that is just not a good person. And when he gave her an ultimatum, guess who she chose?
So, how do we find women who are more aligned with the idea of not putting men before literally every single thing in their lives? Are there others like us—women who choose themselves first?
I certainly run into plenty on the internet! I cannot tell you how many friends I’ve made online. Writing to me was one wonderful step in the right direction, but I wonder what might happen if you posted on your socials describing this very phenomenon? How many people might reach out with stories of shared experiences.
Okay, so maybe that’s too vulnerable, you’re not into being that public. What are some of your passions and hobbies? Find groups of people who are into the same things you’re into, whether it’s a book club, or dance class. Just make sure your common shared interest isn’t men!
Dear Holly, SOS! I was ghosted by my best friend since middle school after my cancer diagnosis. How do I get over them? How do I make peace not having them in my life anymore?
It sounds to me like you’re not supposed to take that old friend into your new life. You are being skyrocketed out of all that doesn’t align. And while you may have considered that friend your best, a true one wouldn’t abandon you in your time of need. And to simply ghost… do you mean they just straight up disappeared? Whatever the case, my heart is with you, because the pain must be excruciating.
Some people can’t handle when shit gets super heavy and real. It sucks, but it’s actually quite common. The real ones will be there though. And isn’t it better to know who they are?
Always on the other side of great tumult is great reward. It’s the law of nature; the pendulum must swing. And while it may seem the sky is falling, perhaps you might try to see it as falling into place. For destruction is always followed by rebuilding. Something new and beautiful will spring from the ashes. To be blunt. Fuck that person. They cleared space for you to get closer to someone else, to let the right ones in.
So. Welcome to your new life. How do you want it to go? You get to decide and create it any way you choose. The people who belong in this new iteration of self will make themselves known. The ones who do not deserve to come with you will fall off metaphorical cliffs. Wave goodbye and wish them well. The road ahead of you is only as limited as your imagination, so I implore you to use this major shift to dream big, look within and love and center yourself hard. Closure is a gift we give to ourselves. You can simply decide to move on, and then so shall it be.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
