Dear Holly, how do I stop hating myself?
Quit being so self-involved. Think about others and what you can do for them. If I’m ever having a bad day and I feel like a big loser who failed and I’m not pretty enough and nothing is working out, I call a friend and ask them how they’re doing. I call a family member and try my best not to complain or drag on about myself, but instead inquire and ask a million questions about their lives.
I go out of my way for others, to get out of my own way. I write a thoughtful note. Or buy a gift if I can afford to. I make eye contact with the girl who’s doing grocery store checkout and ask how her day is going. I really listen and give a shit. I invite someone to walk in the park with me. I stop and pet every single dog I see. Even if you hate yourself, dogs will still love you. Or even just go be in nature. When you’re staring at the ocean or surrounded by majestic trees, it’s hard to feel so sorry for yourself. And when you do something for someone else, or find a way to show someone you love them and make them feel good, it will make you feel good. It has to. There’s no way it can’t. Hate is contagious, and so is love. So, if you love someone, they’ll love you back and then you’ll catch it, like a disease, but a nice one. It’s just science.
###
Hi Holly, I have a brother-in-law who is becoming increasingly intoxicated with The Red Pill!! He is a little younger than me and attends UC Davis. He will be graduating soon and going to work on his masters degree at Emory University.
My SO and I have been increasingly concerned with his views on women, that undoubtedly stem from his toxic masculinity.
We have tried to engage in productive debate during which he refuses to even entertain our views and deflects with seemingly narcissistic comments.
My question is, should we excommunicate, continue to call him on his bullshit, or just let him FAFO? Also, what to do in general when dealing with red pilled individuals, because of the seemingly impossibility of getting through to them?
Thank you, Kate and Austin.
Dear Kate and Austin,
The Red Pill is a cult, and just like cult members, those who are indoctrinated by it have been brainwashed. Another thing I’d compare this to is dealing with an addict. This is a heartbreaking thing to witness and go through. I have had a similar experience with my own mother when she married a sociopath and transformed into a right wing, born-again Christian. Ultimately, resulting in our estrangement.
I wouldn’t wish this type of rift on anyone, but when someone is deeply entrenched in a belief system so far from your own, they can’t see it any other way and sometimes you just need to accept you’re at an impasse. From their perspective, they probably feel just as intensely that YOU are the crazy one, the blind one, the one that has not yet woken up to the so-called truth.
So, you can either agree to disagree, or just cut that cord. If the relationship is toxic, then what good is having them in your life? If it’s stealing your time energy and joy, then what purpose is it serving? I do think more people need to understand that once they’re grown, they’re allowed to distance themselves from family.
I don’t think there is one way to deal with such a thing. Except to focus on yourself and your loved ones. Try to lead by example as best you can, because trying to change someone’s mind through argument is generally a fool’s errand.
Or maybe try to brainwash him the other way. Invite him over for a slumber party, and while he sleeps, play him an endless reel of Manthropology videos until he can’t help but see the error of his thinking. Or rather, the lack thereof, in this case.
###
Dear Holly, is there a way to manage and keep one’s own jealousy and possessiveness under control?
Born under a Scorpio sun, I must admit that I have a jealous and possessive streak. Especially when it comes to my man. It’s inherent. I blame the stars! But it reared its ugly green-eyed snake head much more viciously and frequently when I was younger, and had less trust—in myself, therefore in the people around me, and the world at large.
I suppose I had little reason to trust the world. Growing up in a home of trauma and chaos, I internalized that, which caused me to act out. I did weird shit, pulling some regrettable stunts to make the people I dated jealous, probably as a defense mechanism. You know—hurt someone first, before they can hurt you—kind of a thing. All because I didn’t trust. Does that resonate with you? Can you relate?
Now flip that. How do you learn to trust? I first had to learn to trust myself by quitting partying, going to therapy and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. Deep inner work to get to my core, I removed layer after layer of crusty, misaligned programming.
In doing so, I became the person I was meant to be, so I no longer needed to envy or feel threatened by those around me. At least not as much. As for the romantic jealousy and possessiveness, I stayed single until I found someone who treated me so well that I couldn’t possibly feel any jealousy. And believe me, he’s hot. Women like him. Okay, so maybe I do still feel a bit possessive. Kind of. I’m only human. The point is, I don’t let it ruin my night or my life.
Now the only person I really feel jealous of is myself. If I didn’t know me, I’d be seething with envy. Just find a way to trust so hard, your only competition is yourself.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack, HollyWould, watch her internet series, Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
