Dear Holly, how do you know the difference between a man who truly loves you… and a man who loves how you make him feel? Thanks Woman!!! —Tricia
Dear Tricia, this is a terrific question. When I go out and interview men, I often ask what they love about their wife or partner, and they generally bring up either the things she does for them, or how she makes them feel. So common is this kind of answer, that I wonder if men and women feel and experience love in completely different ways. Because they can’t all be narcissists, can they?
But to be fair, the way you make someone feel should be part of why they love you. Imagine being in a relationship where you feel like garbage all the time. I would venture to say that is not love. So, what is love? Is it a tangible, physical thing or is it more about a feeling?
I know my boyfriend loves me by the way he looks at me, tells me I’m beautiful, and the generosity of his physical affection towards me. But that’s not all. He shows up relentlessly, with compassion and empathy, even in my dark times, when I’m feeling like an ugly, failing loser (it happens to the best of us). The way he speaks to me and what he says he’ll do usually align with his actions. The way he communicates—playful at times, other times, serious and thoughtful. I feel respected and seen by him. In short, I love how he makes me feel, pretty much all the time.
And when I ask him what he loves about me, he could probably list as least a hundred things, but he will inevitably say that he loves how I make him feel. And that’s wonderful. Because no part of me has ever questioned if that’s the only reason why.
To answer your question: you will know. It will be obvious. You won’t have to search for signs, you won’t wonder and you’ll rarely feel confused. If you’re stumbling through the murky darkness of trying to solve a puzzle, or if you think he probably just likes how you make him feel cooler or more powerful, as if you’re some kind of fast car, or Louis Vuitton luggage—an accessory so to speak—you have your answer.
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Dear Holly, I’ve always wondered something: is there a good way to ask someone you’re dating if they’ve cheated in the past? I’ve been cheated on several times, and it’s made dating really difficult. I end up thinking something is wrong with me (it’s probably true). I look up reasons why it happens, and I definitely have my faults. But I guess I feel like giving up on trying to meet anyone romantically.
If I do decide to date again, I feel like this has to be one of those things I ask (besides who they voted for). I almost feel like everyone has done it, and maybe that’s what I need to cope with. But I end up ruling everyone out because I feel like I can’t be enough for anybody. And… maybe that’s okay.
Sometimes I think back to my first heartbreak and remember wanting to tell them that when they dated their future SO, they should mention they’d cheated before. I don’t know what that would do for me, but I wanted to be a little unfair to them. Whatever that means. Anyways, thanks for letting me spill.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dating and personal struggles. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. No one does. But no one is immune to it. Supermodels, movie stars, rock stars, billionaires—basically everyone who on the surface seems to have it made—you hear endless stories of them being cheated on.
Still, not everyone does it. There are plenty of people out there who have never crossed that line or even considered it. And there are people who have cheated in the past and learned their lesson. And of course, there are those who will cheat again. But when entering a relationship, this is the kind of conversation you should be able to have without too much fanfare. It’s a pretty straightforward question, so I would just go ahead and ask it. Though, if someone is adept at cheating, they might be more likely to lie too, just saying.
Perhaps rather than future tripping about the comings and goings of a person you’ve yet to meet, your single-dom is a good time to reflect on yourself. We tend to attract people and circumstances that meet us at the level of our energetic self-worth. I’m not saying it’s your fault, and neither should you. It’s not about blaming yourself but trying to understand where your own vibes are wonky.
If you feel like you aren’t anything for anyone, maybe look there. Why? Why would you tell yourself this sad story? It’s not true. We all have flaws and room to grow, but I’d be willing to bet there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
Learning to be on your own is a superpower. Figure out what you do like about yourself, and nurture that! Because once you get to a place of feeling so strong and good within, you won’t settle for any relationship below your standards. When you meet your own needs, any person who enters your life will only add to your world and enhance it.
Your fears of being cheated on will dissipate once you trust yourself and your judgement, because it will be easier to trust others. And if, God forbid, it happens, you’ll be okay and you’ll understand they weren’t the right person for you anyway. They didn’t deserve you. But it’s not about them. It’s about you. You said it yourself. So, work on loving yourself so you can be loved and cherished the way you really, truly deserve.
Please never lose hope—in yourself, or in others. Within you there is a bright light, and though sometimes it may dim, if you look deep enough you will always find it—you can always stoke that flame.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack, HollyWould, watch her internet series, Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
