Jayden Steele isn’t interested in playing by anyone else’s rules. Unapologetically bisexual, sexually adventurous, and unafraid to blur the lines between dominance and submission, Steele inhabits a world where masculinity is as much about surrender as it is about control. Drawing on his background in martial arts, he explores the intimate relationship between physical discipline, power, and desire. For Steele, kink is more than sex—it’s a way of confronting shame, dismantling inhibitions, and embracing forbidden desires. He created The Reformery, a mentorship and personal transformation platform for men centered on discipline, self-discovery, and challenging conventional ideas of masculinity. With a life spent exploring the intersection of discipline, desire, and sexual freedom, Steele seemed a perfect fit for our Kink Issue. He popped into the Playgirl office to discuss the seductive psychology of control, the liberation of surrender, and why the most radical thing a man can do is be completely, unabashedly himself.
How is submitting to women different from submitting to men?
When I started, I didn’t know whether I was straight, gay or bi. I knew I was kinky. I was raised in a very conservative Christian family, so probably a lot of my kinks came from religious shame and trauma. The dom stuff has been a more recent addition. Because I always felt responsible for someone else’s safety, I wanted to know how to do it before doing it.
With women, I’m much more purely a sub. Part of what you’re told growing up as a male is, “You should be dominant.” I think I got a kink for the taboo, so subbing to women seemed taboo. With guys, anything was supposed to be taboo, so I can enjoy both sides.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
How do you describe your sexuality?
I say bisexual because it’s probably the easiest thing to explain. But I would always just say I’m kinky.
How has that affected your intimate relationships?
For a lot of my life, I’ve fallen for people who are vanilla or not particularly open sexually. You try to suffocate a bit of yourself, and you end up hating a bit of yourself. I don’t think that’s healthy. Working in the adult industry a couple of years ago definitely helped me accept a lot of myself. I thought I had these weird, niche kinks: “I’m always gonna be alone, and no one’s really gonna get it.” Then I posted things online and felt, “Oh, people are interested in this.”
What inspires the contrast of Muay Thai and a latex maid’s dress?
You’re putting two things together which society tells you don’t go together. It’s been fun to ruffle some feathers and show that you can put blanket stereotypes on people.
Growing up, I didn’t see many gay or bisexual or openly kinky and submissive people who were also doing the other side of that. People have layers. I wouldn’t call myself a role model, but having people you can see doing something you might wanna do is good. Sometimes people need to see someone’s done it, and then they feel they can step into a bit more of themselves.
I’m trying to help people integrate kink into their lives in a healthy way, rather than the pattern where people get horny, jerk off, get post-nut clarity, and feel shame. My favorite thing with coaching was seeing the switch in people’s brains when they realized they could do something they initially didn’t believe they could.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
You initially blurred your face. What changed?
I felt like if I showed my face and people made comments, I’d take it more personally. My ego would get involved. I also didn’t wanna go full porn, showing face, make absolutely no money, and now everything’s everywhere and I’ve got nothing from it.
I lost my main Twitter account about two months ago. It was just over 100,000 followers and two and a half years of work down the drain. I was like, “I’m either gonna quit or go all in.” I thought I would make more money if I showed face as well.
But it was also a way of saying, “This is a part of myself. I’m not ashamed of it, and I want to show other people that embracing your full self is a good thing.” I got messages from people saying that after seeing my content, they wanted to try things they hadn’t had the confidence to try before.
Have you faced other barriers as an adult creator?
Earlier in the year, I got de-banked from Wise. I lost two business accounts and my personal account I’d had for three years. Apparently it went against their platform policies, but they wouldn’t give me an exact reason. I had to move temporarily to Europe to get a rental contract to open a bank account.
My business is perfectly legal, but these policies make it feel like you’re having to work around so many things. I can’t use Stripe. If I’m selling a nude calendar, I need a website checkout where people can use their card.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
Do you have a sense of your audience demographics?
I would say at least 90% male, although on OnlyFans they don’t give you the male-versus-female statistics. On Instagram, the Muay Thai and maid’s dress stuff ended up with 30 or 40% female viewership, compared to most of my posts, which are 90 or 95% male. I thought that was interesting. Even looking through the comments, it wasn’t what I was expecting.
What is the wildest request you’ve received?
I always get excited when someone sends a request for a fetish I’ve never heard of, because I pride myself on thinking I know most of the kinks out there. When I get a new one, I’m pleasantly surprised: “Ooh, what’s this?”
I had one where he wanted me to wear tight clothing, push balloons under my shirt and talk about how it was giving me power. I was like, “Where does the kink come from? I don’t know.”
How do you establish boundaries?
Before shooting or playing with partners, I talk about kinks, fantasies, what people wanna try, what turns them on, soft limits, hard limits, and a safe word. Because I’m a switch, I understand what it’s like to be on both sides. I probably have a bit more empathy for what it’s like on each side.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
You mentioned knowing you were kinky early on. What first caught your attention?
I think I probably would have been about 10. I remember reading books about Houdini and how he could escape bondage, and thinking, “Oh, I could escape. That seems fun.” Then reading comic books and seeing people tied up, I was like, “This is doing something for me.” It was random little things I found interesting. One of the first ones I was aware of was definitely bondage.
Where do kink and fitness intersect for you?
A lot of what you learn through fitness and training is good for any area of your life. You learn consistency and discipline. When I moved to Thailand to train Muay Thai and do my first fight, I tried to step out of my own identity and into: what would a Muay Thai fighter do? How would they train and live?
The Reformery was blending two things I already do: kink and fitness. It’s essentially a training ground for submissive males, using things they like doing, like kink, to help them do things they might not wanna do, like eat healthy and go to the gym. People who grew up not good at sports sometimes have an aversion to fitness because it brings up old stuff. I wanted to reframe it as something people could enjoy as part of their life.
What do people misunderstand about submission?
That if you’re submissive, you’re weak, somehow less than or worse than. That’s something I also suffered from. Some of the most submissive people I’ve met are the most powerful and onto-it people I know.
My friends who are dominatrixes tell me about clients in positions of power who need a break from that pressure. People are always asking them to make decisions. It’s a space where you don’t have to put pressure on yourself and be in control for once. Your sexuality is part of you, but it’s not all of you. We’re multifaceted creatures.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
What would you say to someone curious about trying submission?
It’s for some people, not everyone. Do it with a partner you trust. Consent is everything. You shouldn’t feel you have to do something because you’ve seen someone else do it, or because, “If you’re submissive, you should be locked in chastity 24/7.” Everyone’s got their own way of doing things. Find what works for you.
How do you look after yourself while working in this industry?
I have my intense months throughout the year, and then I go home and chill out. I have friends who aren’t part of this world at all. That’s nice.
Having a strong community with people you feel comfortable with, where you don’t have to have walls up or feel performative, is really important. Getting off the phone and talking to people in real life.
I never wanted to be an influencer. I’m happy living offline and minding my own business. I try to work online to live offline as much as possible.
What have you had to confront about yourself through this work?
When I was young, I believed you could change any part of yourself if you worked hard enough. That’s how I started at the gym: I wanted to get stronger, and that did work. But I also tried it with suppressing myself and my sexuality, and realized there are some things you can’t change. And that’s okay.
You’re gonna lose some people along the way, and your life will probably be better for it in the long run. You can come out once, but you often have to keep coming out because you meet new people.
Photo: @jaydensteele.21
Are we becoming more accepting of men who don’t fit traditional ideas of masculinity?
I think some people are becoming more accepting and some less. I wouldn’t necessarily say as a whole we are. To some degree, division is profitable. If everyone gets along, it’s hard to sell the solution.
If people with opposing views could sit in the same room and have a conversation as humans, we could probably solve a lot of problems. We’re not gonna get very far arguing in comment sections online. Most people want to feel loved, cared for and respected.
One reason I didn’t do the face reveal was that I travel to countries that aren’t gay-friendly. I didn’t wanna be recognized. I take pride in having converted several reasonably homophobic people, because I believe if we’re good to each other, we can move forward.
What would you want a man who has spent years hiding parts of himself to hear?
Your weirdness is your superpower. It’s taken me a long time to realize that because I always tried to fit in and do what I was supposed to do. The things that are a bit weird about you, a bit different, that you’re insecure about—that’s what’s unique about you. You should be embracing that.
I could still be living in my little hometown in New Zealand, miserable, if I hadn’t decided to go into the unknown and say, “You know what? I’m gonna risk it.” A lot of the best stuff in life is on the other side of that fear.
Do your thing. Enjoy life, talk to people and help people.
