It’s always difficult to know if your algorithms match up with those around you, but I recently realized I may be in a very specific subset of the internet when speaking with a couple of girlfriends. We got talking about the ups and downs of dating men, and I asked if either of them knew who Shera Seven “The Sprinkle Sprinkle Lady” was. They both did not. “How about The Wizard Liz?” Crickets. Seems I had some explaining to do.
I happily led them on a tour of my Tiktok algorithm and YouTube subscriptions, where over the last few years my feed has been composed of mostly female centric content from content creators who focus heavily on women’s empowerment, all driving home an overarching central theme: decentering men.
The concept itself isn’t exactly new. The term was first coined by Sharese “Charlie Taylor” in her 2019 book, Decentering Men, a comprehensive guide to “stop seeking validation from men and start living for yourself.” Prior to that, South Korea’s radical feminist campaign, the 4B Movement, first emerged in 2017 as a response to the country’s blatant gender inequality, violence, and societal expectations. While the movement advocates for women to completely reject men in all possible ways (no sex with men, no babies with men, no dating or marriage with men), the decentering men movement could be considered the West’s answer to 4B.
Playgirl has a proud legacy of undressing and objectifying men, effectively turning the tables on misogyny and the ubiquitous male gaze, while over the last few years independent creators have followed suit, and at the same time built platforms pushing for the dismantling of the societal conditioning women have been indoctrinated into in our male-dominated world. Many call for reparations in the form of hypergamy and in ultimately only engaging with the men who directly benefit, not hinder, your life. They all share unique viewpoints on what it means to challenge gender constructs, but share one common message for women who date men: it’s time to shift the focus back to you and off of them.
One of the most outspoken social media voices on the subject is MJ Gray aka @texasgardenfairy, whose videos have amassed millions of views. One of her most viewed videos outlines in detail how unequal things really are, and the very valid reasons why women should think twice when engaging with men.
I enlisted MJ Gray for her expert opinion on the subject and how removing men from the spotlight in her life has directly affected her mental well-being. “In a society that sees women as second class citizens, a ‘good woman’ completely sacrifices herself for the sake of being loved. Decentering men doesn’t mean eradicating men from your life. It simply means that men are not the center of your existence,” shares MJ. “For me, this has resulted in a self-love and self-actualization that I never knew possible. Having a life built for and by you far outweighs male approval or romantic love. And romantic love is still possible in a life like this, but the foundation isn’t built on it.”
MJ Gray • Photo: @melissawonder
Still, it’s a frustrating contradiction that when we look around, it often feels like so many women carry with them these idealized visions of relationships. MJ agrees. “I talk to women every day and that’s one theme I notice—their expectations for men are totally unrealistic,” she explains. “Not all men are villainous narcissists, but very few of them are Prince Charming. The truth is somewhere in the middle.”
This overarching call to stop focusing on men could be considered a direct retaliation to exactly how unfairly women are treated under patriarchy, which, all things considered, isn’t exactly changing at a justifiable rate. In the US, women are still underrepresented in government and leadership roles across industries, and as of 2024, earned just 85% of what men did doing the exact same jobs. Unpaid labor is thrust upon women in the forms of childcare and domestic labor at double the rate as it is to men. Abortion bans are being upheld, and access to reproductive care is steadily being rescinded. The United States also holds the highest maternal mortality rate of all developed nations. 1 in 3 women have had experiences with sexual assault or rape, as well as stalking by an intimate partner, with domestic violence as the top cause of injury to women. Needless to say, Black, trans and women of color are affected the most.
The latest discovery of dismay during my seemingly daily dive into the topic was the news from July 2025 that scientists have created the first control pill for men, a contraceptive that has shown zero, yes zero, side effects. The first women’s contraceptive pill was released in 1957, and yet 1 in 4 women still report life altering side effects from the pill. In short, it’s no wonder women are angry. And should they not be angrier? The mental and physical burden of womanhood in our modern society is not to be taken lightly. Women are exhausted.
“Women couldn’t have their own bank accounts until 1974. We were slaves. That needs to be acknowledged,” shares MJ. “Our individualism and identities have been erased while we’ve been made use of by everyone but us. We’re at a point now where we have enough agency to center ourselves in our own lives, but we’re not so far removed from the past that it can be a smooth transition. Until things are truly equal, women must demand more from their interactions with men.”
Unfortunately, what many get wrong about the decentering men movement is that it’s rooted in misandry. It’s an accusation that faces many content creators such as MJ, but in countering this point she is defiant. “Criticizing men isn’t the hatred of men,” she says. “Misogyny results in violence towards women by an overwhelming amount. Misandry results in men getting their feelings hurt. It’s obtuse to compare the two.”
For women who desire to date men but wish to decenter them, MJ believes it’s all about the men you choose: “I think it’s unreasonable to suggest that women need to not have any romantic relationships with men, but they should be selective. You can date or be married to a man and not have him occupy your entire mental capacity.”
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In my personal life, among my female peers, it still often feels as though being a girlfriend or wife takes the bait as the ultimate goal; above career, hobbies, and friends. Society wants women to believe that even if you have everything in the world, if you don’t have a man, something is missing.
And while I’m always aware of who among my friends is and isn’t passing the Bechdel test, I have also started to joke that I’m in the “female protection task force”. Since taking the time to consider how decentering men can truly benefit women, I’ve taken on the role as a sort of voice of reason in my friend groups, echoing the sound guidance passed to me through my tiny screen by women like MJ.
Be realistic. Ask for more. No 50/50. Be quick to walk away. I revel in the knowledge that even the smallest suggestion that we stop caring about what men want, and what they think, and stop asking for their approval, might just make us women happier and ultimately help push us forward, even just a little.
