Let’s Get It Out in the Open
Whether you swing high or low, or don’t swing at all, the penis is more than a popsicle of pleasure. It has not only become the topic of conversation in memes, porn tropes and pop psychology, it has often been used as the measure for “manhood.” There is often interest in how it stands at attention, how it behaves, how it performs and how big it can grow. It has become a status symbol and, too often, a mental health minefield.
In a world where “Big Dick Energy” (BDE) is idolized and feared, it’s hard not to compare one member to another. All you need to do is turn on the news or go on social media to discover BDE is a motivating factor for creating fear and subservience in our culture. All this to say, there’s this idea that big dicks are powerful beings.
While this penis-centric version of manhood doesn’t fit everyone (e.g. trans men, intersex individuals, and those with genital differences), the cultural pressure to “measure up” can be isolating and damaging.
Sizing Things Up
There are several influences on the modern belief system around penis size. History celebrates the penis as a symbol of masculinity, erotica focuses on the idea of bigger being better, and science has looked at what makes a penis more, or less, desirable. While research suggests that the average penis size is 5.11 inches, men constantly live in fear of not being enough.
Even with evidence showing most men fall in a normal range, comparison culture is a strong force. This force can lead to body dysmorphia, anxiety, low self-esteem, depression and intimacy issues. It can cause men to turn to pornography as the antidote to navigating a relationship with another person and their penis. And while it has been said that comparison is the thief of joy, this comparison culture is driving men to silently struggling to be seen, accepted and to find happiness with how it’s hanging.
Truth is, most partners care more about confidence than circumference, so how you look at, talk to, and interact with your penis can really affect your pleasure. Meaning, when it comes to treating yourself well, go big, or go home.
It’s Not Easy Being Hard
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is common, yet it’s often left to grow alone in a petri dish of shame. When ED happens, it’s a total mindfuck (no, really), and although it can happen to anyone, most men keep it in their pants. In my practice, I see ED linked to different things – especially pornography use, uncomfortable sexual experiences, emotional abuse, and anxiety.
Any dysfunction can call into question what else is going on, whether it’s something with the person’s body or brain, and it can also mess with ideas around being a man. The fear of “failing” in intimacy, creates a shame-based narrative around being good enough, and this creates avoidance within relationships, as well as resentment for sexual interactions that don’t go as planned. You can fix this. If it’s not based on a physiological problem, ED is often temporary, treatable, and way more common than most guys realize. What’s not healthy is the silence surrounding it.
The Long and Short of It
The penis isn’t the problem, the pressure we put on it, and the way we talk about it is. Bottom line: No man needs to be defined by his penis, even if society, stereotypes and culture continue to enlarge the importance of the mushroom shaped man bit on masculinity.
