Let’s start with a disclaimer. I can’t talk about BDSM without acknowledging the weight of the words that define it. Much of its associated language can be seen as problematic given how they can trigger a person’s history of oppression, repression and abuse.
However, it is these very same words that can also bring liberation and pleasure to those who have experienced trauma and abuse. In fact, some folx use BDSM practices to exert agency around an otherwise fucked up situation. For those who choose to stay away from this language, I can understand why. And for those who choose to embrace it, I get that too.
BDSM falls under the umbrella term of kink –a broad term which basically means any sexual practice, fantasy, identity, behavior or idea that is not considered conventional. Kink challenges societal norms and allows for the exploration of the types of themes polite society doesn’t talk about (e.g. shame, feet, freedom).
More specifically, BDSM is the practice of consensual erotic play designed to enhance intimacy by bending power dynamics, exploring a range of sensations and control tactics, and navigating communication and conversations about sex that fall outside what is considered a vanilla, or “straight” approach to sexual activity. The term is an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, and slave and master (or owner/property).
Lots of people use the word pain to describe the primary sensation that those who participate in the practice of BDSM experience, but that’s like seeing red as the most prominent color in a rainbow. Pain is one of many sensations and experiences. There are tactile sensations to build anticipation (think floggers, feathers and hot wax), smells that arouse, sounds that excite, and visuals that titillate. All of this is part of the BDSM sensory experience.
The thing about all the sensations is that they tend to promote both a flow state and a form of psychological or physiological catharsis. A flow state is about presence. It’s a way to be in the moment –to literally go with the flow and to be a part of the action so that you can experience the sensations. It also allows one to have enough awareness (if needed) to use a safe word –a predetermined and instantly recognizable word that allows a participant to stop what is going when the going gets too tough, or gets to be too much.
Going back to the benefits, research shows that BDSM can help heal trauma when done correctly. When the right space is created (e.g. everyone is safe, sane and practicing consent), BDSM can provide a sense of power, agency and exultation – which may be in direct contrast to the very acts that caused participants grief, distress and anguish.
Being a safe space for renegotiating trauma is already awesome sauce, but top it off with these extras. BDSM can provide an inclusive space for social connection; a reduction in the stress hormone cortisol; lower levels of depression, anxiety, acute stress, PTSD, and abusive tendencies. And don’t forget that BDSM promotes bonding and security and asks that nobody checks out when a scene is done. Aftercare, a more intimate version of a post-game recap, is an integral component of the BDSM experience.
Sure, I’m sharing more roses than thorns when it comes to BDSM. I know nothing is perfect, and that many kink communities have their own kinks to work out. However, if BDSM piques your interest, why not dig a little deeper and get to the bottom, or top, or your own BDSM journey?
