If you’ve discovered your partner has been unfaithful, know that you’re not alone. Infidelity occurs across all demographics—conservative and liberal, monogamous and polyamorous, happily together and unhappily committed.
Initially, you may find yourself wanting to go down a rabbit hole and scroll through your partner’s texts, emails, and phone for any hint of what was happening and for how long. However, becoming Inspector Gadget is likely going to hurt you more than it will help you solve any mystery. Instead, be like Scooby, and “Doo” something for you. Get curious about how you feel. Sort out your thoughts. Think about your own policy on infidelity and what, if any, types of infidelity are dealbreakers.
Discovering an affair doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker if you can understand the why it happened and what it means. There is no shame in staying, although it does seem to feel that way these days.
Some relationships find a way through. They heal together by working on what wasn’t working out. Others don’t make it. Before you decide what you would do, consider the adventure you want to choose. Here are some pointers to help you through the process.
Accept that You Are Part of the Problem.
You first need to recognize, and accept, that you are both a part of the problem. Although the cheating behavior feels like the bigger offense, it’s worth examining your role. Behaviors such as your attention being focused elsewhere (work, school, kids) or avoidant communication strategies may have played a role in what happened. To understand the infidelity, you need to examine how you are relating.
Seek Professional Help.
I would like to believe I met a couple where an affair didn’t have some long-term impact, but I’m not sure I have. Even if the impact was felt in tremors and not earthquakes, there’s some past betrayal injury that might set one of you off. A professional can help you navigate the trauma and provide you with tools to smooth the transition and build back trust back when moving into Relationship 2.0.
Renegotiate the Agreements.
If you choose to stay, there is going to be a time where you will have to make the decision about what Relationship 2.0 looks like. You must be clear about your dealbreakers, and what is, or isn’t, considered infidelity. It’s helpful for all relationships, even those without infidelity, to revisit these agreements every few years. After all, you are expected to renegotiate a job contract, a housing agreement, and other important relationship contracts over the course of a lifetime. Why not make sure your romantic relationship agreements are up to date?
Inform Yourself.
Write a list of questions you have for your partner so that you can engage from a clear and direct place. Ask them all questions about the betrayal at once, so you aren’t getting staggered responses that continue to feel like death by one thousand cuts. Read Esther Perel’s book The State of Affairs for a game-changing look on the topic. Tammy Nelson’s book, The New Monogamy, is another good read. Inform yourself so you can make an informed decision.
There is no easy way out, but there are ways through. It’s as much about the journey as the destination, so be prepared for the ride.
