Myth #1 Sex is Natural
George Michael might have fucked us over when he sang the lyrics, “Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
Sure, sex is biological — but natural? Not exactly. Calling it natural makes it sound effortless and easy, like something that should just happen. But what actually allows sex to feel natural is the fact that it’s relational. It’s the chemistry, communication, the trust building, the timing, and having the space to learn that lets us to bring sex from a thing we do to one another to a thing we do for one another.
Sex might be driven by biology, but it’s shaped by connection. It’s a dance of attraction and desire, which can be born out of biology, out of shared common interests, or getting to know someone and allowing things to simmer to a boil. Believing it should just “come naturally” can leave us feeling broken when it doesn’t. That myth doesn’t leave room for curiosity, confusion, or difference — the fact that we all like (and learn) sex differently. It can make us anxious, ashamed, or avoidant when what we really need is permission to explore.
The idea that sex is natural doesn’t allow for us to go into sex not knowing things. It can be harmful and keep us feeling like we are doing it wrong. But sex isn’t something you’re born knowing how to do “right.” It’s something you learn — through conversation, experimentation, and yes, a fair amount of trial and error. We all arrive at our sexual selves through learning, unlearning, and relearning what sex means to us and how we want to do it.
Myth #2: Sex Needs to Feel Special
So many of us want to feel special, be special, to do something special with our lives. It’s as if being special has taken priority over being human.
When it comes to sex, we are taught that sex needs to be memorable, meaningful and deeply significant. While I’m all for ‘special’ being a thing –a kink, a romantic gesture, a spiritual practice– sometimes sex is just sex, and it doesn’t have to mean more than that.
Letting go of that ‘special’ expectation can be freeing. Because sometimes the best sex is the kind that just happens in an uncomplicated, surprising, and ordinary way. And the truth is, special sex often sneaks up on you anyway and what started ordinary can turn extraordinary when you least expect it. But if we’re always waiting for it to feel special, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.
So, this holiday season, give yourself the gift of enjoying the sex you’re having — whether or not it feels natural or special.
That “special, natural sex unicorn”? It’s magical when you find it — but it’s also rare, unpredictable, and gets harder to find the more intensely you look for it.
Jamye Waxman, PhD is a sex and couples therapist based out of Los Angeles, CA.
