Research confirms the obvious. A threesome is a top bucket list item. But before you drive onto the threesome express, it’s important to know where you’re heading.
What about spontaneity?
As boring as this sounds, a satisfying threesome is the result of trust, respect, communication and planning. If you go in agreeing on intentions and goals, you will feel safer and more relaxed. It may dampen the spontaneity, but if a more secure and successful ride is what you’re signing up for, it’s best to know what attractions are open for business and which are closed until further notice.
Consent is clear
If all hands aren’t on deck and there’s no “hell, yes,” then there is no party to get started. Lack of enthusiastic consent leads to decreased trust and affection towards a partner, as well as increased anxiety and depression. Plus, it can put up major roadblocks to traveling down this path at another time.
Hey, Jealousy!
Watching your partner hook up with someone else can be insanely hot or deeply unsettling, and sometimes both at once. Know how jealousy shows up in you, and try to spot it early. Jealousy doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it just means you’re human. And if you feel it happening in real time during a real romp, pause, speak up, and recalibrate. A threesome should leave you turned on—not torn up inside.
Photo: David Meyer
Who touches who touches who?
I know this seems like an obvious question, but in the same way that 1+1 = 3 in this scenario, it’s better to understand how you got to the answer, then have no answer at all. Ask all the questions, for example, what types of touch are you comfortable with? Are you okay with penetrative sex, or do you keep it in your pants, mouth, or hands? Do you have a safe word if one of you slides into an anxious or jealous space, needs attention, or a time out? Get keyed into your needs so you can trust in the journey.
People are People
It doesn’t matter if the third is partnered, a unicorn (someone single who wants to play with a couple), a friend or a fun freak, one thing they most definitely are not is a toy. No matter the dynamic, lead, follow and play well with others. It also helps if you get to know each other first. Plan a non-sexual outing or video chat before the main event. You will likely feel more connected and have more fun.
Whoops in the Whoopie
A threesome is more puzzle than porno. Someone’s leg may get in the way, one person may feel left out at times, and sometimes the chemistry isn’t there between everyone. That doesn’t mean it won’t be fun, but it also won’t be flawless. If someone slips off the mattress, or gets a cramp mid-position, laugh about it. The ability to roll with the awkward is what turns messy into memorable.
Ultimately, a threesome works best when there is a blend of consent, communication, and chemistry. Finding your way will help you avoid traffic stops, and allow for humpy roads ahead.
