In a time of crisis and confusion, it can feel important and empowering to keep coming back to pleasure. Whether you are mourning the death of a person, place, pet, part of your body, or political system – pleasure is a good reason to keep on keeping on.
Before we delve into the depths of grief, please keep in mind that there is no one way to experience grief, or pleasure during grief. Grief and pleasure are both intensely personal journeys that can be marked by moments of connection, feelings of isolation, questions, concerns and a lot of emotion. While societal expectations often dictate how grief should be expressed, sexuality is rarely acknowledged in this context. However, when you think about it literally, we experience loss not only at the end of relationships, but also when we seek out an orgasm, (“la petite mort” — the little death) during sexual encounters.
Grief doesn’t only manifest as sadness. If you look at the stages of grief you can see that it also manifests as shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and testing. Because grief isn’t linear and it isn’t prescriptive, how you do it and how you do you, are both choices you make as part of your process. Grief allows us the space to redesign our relationships, and to recommunicate our needs. Redefining what intimacy looks like in different stages of grief can help rebuild connection. Open and honest communication about emotional and physical needs can help partners navigate intimacy together.
When grief brings forth a craving for connection, or reconnection, don’t ignore your needs. If that’s how you ground and heal, then use pleasure as an act of self-care. Notice what types of pleasure cause the least amount of distress during periods of mourning, and do more of those types of things. That could mean quiet moments on the couch under a weighted blanket, or cuddling in bed with your person/s or your pets. It may also mean reconnecting with your own body, whether through masturbation, self-touch or breathwork. If feeling sexual sensations is part of the mourning and moving through process, then proceed with compassion for your desires and patience for your journey.
Speaking of self-compassion, if your libido goes on lockdown, that’s okay too. Grief can be stressful and anxiety producing, leading to increased cortisol levels which can translate to decreased sexual desire. And if your libido during grief varies from lacking interest to craving sexual touch– that makes sense too. Grief, like sex, is fluid, and preferences change. Accept that this yin and yang is a part of grieving, healing and feeling again.
For some, the most challenging aspect of rediscovering sexual pleasure is overcoming the guilt of diminishing love. Some people can feel that experiencing pleasure dishonors their grief, or the memory, of a lost loved one. However, allowing oneself to experience joy does not erase love—it’s a way to honor oneself and the relationship you have to your living body.
Desire, intimacy and pleasure can remind us that we are alive and give us the types of feel-good feelings that keep us going. So remember, pleasure can be good for grief.
