Dear Holly, I’m in a healthy, loving relationship for the first time in my life. My boyfriend is wonderful. The issue is his dog. He treats it like his child, plans his schedule around it and lets it sleep in our bed. I grew up without pets and feel overwhelmed by the constant mess, noise and lack of boundaries. When I bring it up, I feel selfish and guilty. What do I do?
We’re talking about this man’s child; a bond I would not fuck with. Hence, why it’s tricky to date dads with pre-existing babies. Unless you’re okay with coming second. Because you may never be priority number one. But wanting that is not selfish, it’s honest.
Rather than trying to change your man’s relationship to his beloved pet, focus on what you can control. The change must occur within you, either in how you feel about this relatively domesticated animal, or in your relationship to the man. Just how great is this guy? Is he domesticated? Does he treat you like the princess you inherently are? Is he as good to you as he is to his ass-sniffing, four-legged friend?
If you answered yes, then maybe you want to consider making this dog your baby too. In Rick Rubin’s book, The Creative Act, he says, “When something doesn’t go according to plan, we have a choice to either resist it or incorporate it.”
Immersion therapy can help. I used to be so scared of and disgusted by worms that if I came across one on a sidewalk, I’d simply have to run the other direction. One morning after a rainstorm, my eyeballs caught sight of a fat, pink and grey, sensually writhing creature just outside my front door. I froze, unable to leave my home. This reaction stirred something within. Why was I allowing these brainless fucks to control me? After all, I was a thirty-seven-year-old woman with far more power in the world than a worm.
So, I cancelled my day and spent the rest of the afternoon watching YouTube videos of worms freaking out (google it). After several hours the spicy, sizzling, sick feeling that normally accompanied any kind of worm interaction began to wane, finally fading so completely that its presence is no longer detectable.
If you love this man, it’s time to get creative. Embrace the dog as if it’s your own, by any means possible, whether immersing yourself in dog content, or stuffing your pockets with bacon so you can get cuddly enough to sniff his little corn chip scented paws.
You may get your happily ever after with not just one love of your life, but two. The connection between man and dog-baby is unbreakable. The best thing you can do is learn to love it too.
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Dear Holly, My boyfriend says he parties sometimes. I’m starting to think sometimes means constantly. Coke in the bathroom, mystery baggies, emotional whiplash and disappearing acts. He swears he’s fine and that I’m dramatic. I’m exhausted from pretending not to notice. Is this something people grow out of or am I dating potential instead of reality?
Where there is smoke there is fire. Where there is white powder, teensy baggies and vanishing acts, there is a drug problem. And drug addicts are lie. I know. I was one.
How can you help him? You can’t. Not unless he wants to help himself. And for him to do so, he would need to admit he has an issue. Whether you adhere to 12 step speak or not, admission is the first thing that must occur before any kind of course correction will.
Right now, turning your head is not only hurting your neck but it’s hurting you. As well as enabling your man to continue the path of wreckage, which hurts him. It’s unlikely one will change habits unless there’s some sort of bottom, some major consequences.
The truth: he probably won’t get his shit together if you’re standing by. And even if you see potential—which is a beautiful and generous thing—he will never reach it if he’s using. And you’ll never be safe or loved properly, or in any kind of healthy relationship if you keep “pretending not to notice.”
The best thing you can do for everyone—the highest good for all—is to walk away. If he grows out of it, or gets over it, or gets the help he needs, he may meet his potential. But you must meet people where there are NOW, and at this very moment he’s only holding you back from reaching YOUR potential. All we have is now.
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Dear Holly, My partner never changes the kitchen sponge. It’s gray. It smells like death. I’m convinced it’s sentient. He says it still works and gets defensive when I try to throw it away. He even dug it out of the trash. Do I replace the sponge or the man?
Ew. Moldy sponge people: why? How is your gag reflex not activated? The scent sticks to your fingers and lingers. It’s just so icky. And unhygienic. How can one properly clean something as important as the very utensils for which your food is transported into your precious, temple-like, meat suit with something so filthy and germ ridden?
A moldy sponge isn’t just a sponge. It’s a metaphor for life. It reeks of settling for less than you deserve. It screams “I’m clinging to smallness, I’m deeply afraid of change, maybe I hoard out of an inability to let go or a need to control.” It’s giving tight-fisted frugality.
WHY IS HE SO ATTACHED TO THE SPONGE? WHY IS HE DIGGING IN THE TRASH? Men are notoriously funny about these things, I suppose. Best case scenario, it’s just a dude thing. But then I’m worried about his apparent sensory dullness? Why doesn’t such a putrid scent bother him? Is he okay? Are you?
Surely, it’s not JUST the sponge. If it’s nothing more than the sponge then replace it at once, whether he likes it or not. “It’s me or the sponge, babe,” might be a fun way to discover more about his priorities.
But really, what else is going on in this relationship that you’re not mentioning? What lies beneath the sponge’s gray, porous surface? If he tosses it or allows you to do so, what will be the next spore covered red flag to pop up and invade your senses?
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
