Dear Holly, I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and the sex is insane. Like, movie level. He’s attentive, dominant, dirty talk, hot hot hot. Here’s the problem. He only seems turned on when I pretend I don’t care. If I initiate anything, he freezes or pulls away. But if I play coy and act indifferent or shy, he is assertive and devours me. He tells me he loves the chase, and if I ask for it, it feels like pressure.
I don’t want to give up the insane sex we’re having, but I don’t know if I can spend forever pretending not to care when I really feel like I could fall for him.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you, my friend, are dickmatized. This man is not for wasting your love or time, he is quite simply UNAVAILABLE. Here’s the thing that so many of us generous, open-hearted women miss when we are trying to scientifically and psychologically make sense of all the reasons why and how a man is the way he is. It doesn’t fucking matter why, how, or what time it is, or if he might someday change, or if he was something else in the past. He is unavailable now and that is all you need to know. RUN.
Okay, but you can’t. Because your brain got sucked down into your vagina, swirled around and twisted up by his magic wand of an appendage, and now your legs are frozen. His firm but loving caress, and the pheromones exuding from the crook of his neck are clogging the pathways to your common sense. I get it. I too love unavailable men for the exact reason that they are somehow ALWAYS the very most stellar in bed.
Let’s get a little deeper though. Why are you trying to make something work with someone who wants you only in a fantasy world? What part of you is avoidant of true intimacy, with a person who wants to know you for you, and see you fully? I ask you this, as this is what I am trying to figure out for myself.
We need to stop sleeping with men that don’t want to know the real us or aren’t attracted to us as we are. Open hearted and generous. We need to stop sleeping with these men so we can stay that way.
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Hey, I think I need some advice… How do I not become a misandrist? I’m a feminist, but more and more every day I become a misandrist. I don’t want to be but the men make it easy to be… Thank you, Chloe
Dear Chloe,
Consider this rule of comedy and apply it to life: Don’t punch down. Men know not what they do, or what they are, or why they are the way they are. Think of them as lesser beings, to take pity on and laugh at as we watch them fumble. KIDDING!!! (Kind of.)
The truth is, while men and women are biologically and hormonally different, which I believe is especially responsible for our understandings of one another being at odds, we all fall under the category of human. Deeply flawed, wildly varied. Hating men is hating people is hating yourself. Another classic saying: resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
In my work I love to play with stereotypes of gender roles, to both challenge assumptions and show why they exist, but the world I’ve created online is heightened. In fact, everything online is highly exaggerated, because controversy and chaos are the kings that rule that land. What goes viral? Negativity, people fighting amongst themselves in comments, polarization. What do you mostly see online? Viral shit.
The extreme misogyny that we are confronted with online exists in reality, but in smaller numbers and at such varying degrees. Misogyny itself is cultural, internal and it is everywhere–within women too–and that’s a direct cause of the patriarchy. So, if you’re going to hold any prejudice, that’s where you might better aim your rage. But men are victims of this kind of programming as well. We all are. And the man-hating, gender war is not helping us hear or understand each other.
We’re waking up to how broken the systems of belief we were raised in are, now that we have access to more information than ever. Thank you for writing in, because checking yourself and asking questions is a form of empathy; the antidote to hate. Men will continue to do and say dumb shit for the rest of eternity, but when we are triggered by this, just remember… he’s only human.
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Dear Holly, I’ve been seeing this guy who is smart, successful and normal in every way. Well, I thought he was until we started to get more serious and the intimacy revved up. Turns out his kink is that he wants to be a piece of furniture. Like, he asks me to sit on him while I read. Or use him as a footrest to feel my power.
He says he finds it relaxing. But it has the opposite effect on me. It makes me very stressed and uncomfortable. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but I am actually kind of turned off by him pretending to be inanimate. It’s so awkward to just sit on him and try to be normal. I really like him, don’t want to shame him, and in every other area we are a great match. Also, I feel like I have to keep his secret and not tell my friends, so I have no one to talk to about it. Help!
I have so many questions. How did he reveal this to you? Did he drop clues, or just drop to his hands and knees and casually encourage you to take a seat? Is this a gateway drug to bigger asks? Such as… using him as a toilet?
We all have our preferences, whether it be a need for oral, or a good back scratch. His pretending to be furniture may just be run of the mill, everyday vitamin C of his sexual regimen–a fundamental puzzle piece of his desire.
So, I guess it depends on how willing you are to compromise, and just how boundary crossing this is for you. Perhaps you might find a way to make this more enticing. Maybe he could pretend to be a vibrating washing machine rather than a boring old chair. Or at least a throne, where you’re the queen, and the queen gets to demand her needs be met.
There’s nothing wrong with this kind of play as long as everyone’s consenting. But if you’re being pressured into something you don’t enjoy, as well as keeping parts of your life hidden from your trusted allies, that’s an issue. Shame exists only in secrecy, so perhaps that piece of this kink quandary needs to be openly communicated. Getting clearer on what this is for him, how important it is, and if it is in fact confidential, is the recipe for true intimacy.
At the end of the day, if it all just makes you too uneasy, that’s okay too. Maybe it’s not for you. Would you want someone to do something to you that they don’t enjoy? He should respect that this isn’t your thing. If it’s a deal-breaker, perhaps you’re not meant to be. Your comfort is a basic need, and you deserve to have it met. Don’t forget, you ARE a queen!
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
