Dear Holly, what’s it like to be in your 40s and unbothered? You’re one of the few creators who doesn’t make this a focal point and shows truly how being in your 40s is hard to distinguish these days. (Not how the patriarchy makes it out to be) -Joss
Dear Joss,
I love this question, and I LOVE getting older. Turns out, most of what we learned about aging–especially as women–was a lie. This mystical thing occurred when I turned forty, where I woke up hotter and cooler (which sound scientifically impossible) as well as more relevant! Maybe it was my insides, having finally accepted and embraced who I really am, shining through.
Before that, I felt an impending sense of doom in the face of my inevitable maturation. Because of what I’d grown up witnessing in film, television and the media, internal misogyny was in the driver’s seat heading straight towards a cliff. I hadn’t reached my goals of becoming famous, or finding my one true love, and believed I needed to be sexy and desirable to achieve anything–which of course, was a young person’s game. By the time I’d hit thirty-five, I thought, okay, time to die now. If I haven’t made it yet, I never will.
I am so glad I survived. I began a new career at forty, all centered around exposing my secret fears, embarrassments, and the true nature of my freaky self. Having conversations about the things we were trained to not speak out loud. And this is what’s brought me success and a life beyond my wildest dreams, as well as public recognition.
It’s true that I don’t make my age a focal point in my work as a creator, because it’s not one in my life. I still live like a “kid” in many ways. I’m child-free, single and have arranged things so that I have loads of freedom. But I’m not trying to pass as someone in their 20s or 30s. I want people to understand that you can be young and live how you want at any age. There are no rules! And that’s why I mention it at all. Because if I had seen someone like me talking about living the life I live and dressing and looking the way I do, I might not have been so petrified.
Successful, moisturized and unbothered to the point of no fucks, I now look forward to my 50s, 60s and beyond. I’m elated that we’re finally seeing older women portrayed as sexy, significant, fresh and very much alive. We can always be a beginner. We can always start over again. Maybe youth isn’t wasted on the young after all.
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Dear Holly, do you think a lot of men end up sabotaging the good ones? I’m dating someone now who has so many green flags it almost feels like a red flag…
I think we need to meet people where they’re at and try to be as present as possible in our relationships. If you’re being loved the way you want and growing closer to someone who shows up consistently, being distrusting is only doing you both a disservice.
Because none of us know what’s going to happen in the future and that’s what makes this whole adventure so exciting. You might get married. And then maybe you’ll get divorced. Or you could die together, exhaling your final breath at the exact same time. Maybe it’ll fizzle out. Or you’ll get sick of him. Perhaps one of you will turn into a worm. Maybe he’ll cheat. Maybe you’ll cheat! Just don’t fuck something up that’s going well because you’re insecure that maybe someday he might fuck it up.
He might. A lot of men AND women end up wrecking great things for myriad reasons. Future tripping paranoia is its own kind of sabotage. Honestly, congratulations for getting yourself in the place where you were able to call in a man who’s got any green flags. Even if it goes awry, that doesn’t change the relationship you’re having right now. And all we ever have is now, so enjoy it while it lasts.
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Dear Holly, should I be worried that I’ve never had a boyfriend/been in a relationship at age 25? I feel like I’m being avoidant but also most of the men I’ve dealt with sucked. Should I be actively dating? Mostly focused on expanding my social circle because I’d prefer to meet someone organically.
You are not alone. If you’ve examined literally any of the rhetoric on Gen Z, you’ll notice a consistent conclusion: an overarching lack of human interaction, whether in dating or sex. Are you avoidant? Or is it heightened social anxiety due to only recently emerging from the solitude of a years-long global pandemic? If IRL conversations, minor physical intimacies such as shaking hands, hugging and even eye contact have become things of dread, how the hell are you supposed to get into an actual relationship?
I myself have been single for nearly 8 years. No boyfriends–even though I do want one–and not nearly enough sex. Do you worry for me? I don’t. Because there’s this thing called divine timing. And while everyone tells you all the ways in which you’re supposed to try harder by putting yourself out there–dating apps, going to bars, coffee shops, office parties, awkward set ups, joining running groups, twelve step groups, sex cults and more–sometimes the universe just has other plans for you.
I was talking with a friend just yesterday, about giving chances to men who kind of suck, or you simply have no chemistry with. Maybe if you just TRY harder, they’ll magically fit into what you like, transforming into some type of ideal. You often hear people say, “I wasn’t attracted to him at first, but he grew on me.”
The only things that have ever grown on me are moles, pimples, my hair and my nails so I can’t help but wonder if they settled. Somewhere along the way they probably picked up the dumb, antiquated idea that being single is a disease. But getting into a relationship simply because you’re afraid of not being in one doesn’t sound appealing to me.
I think you’ve got the right idea. Expand your social circle, focus on friends, work opportunities and yourself. Loving yourself insane amounts and learning to enjoy your solitude is like a superpower. It will prevent you from settling, because your inner worth will be too high.
I have faith that the right person will come along for you, for me, and for everyone who wants that, when the universe knows that we are truly ready for it.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
