I asked for nudes… and I got them!!! BUT, when I opened the photo and saw the metadata, the pics were all taken MONTHS prior, before we had even met! They’re hot photos and I said as much, but I kind of feel offended. Like, how many other people have you sent these to? Am I being INSANE or should I be implementing a re-nude strategy?? –Nude Rules
Dear Nude Rules,
You’re not insane. Never will I forget the stab in my gut when opening a dick pic my boyfriend claimed to have just taken from our bed, only to realize the sheets were unfamiliar. Was it an old pic? Was he not where he said he was? Anyway…
The way you perceive and deal with this situation is based completely on the trust established with your picture taking partner. My ex-boyfriend was pure evil, but this is likely a case of pure laziness. They wanted to send you a sexy surprise, yet were otherwise indisposed in that moment, so they turned to their stockpile. Not so bad, not terribly unusual.
Regardless of their intentions, I suppose the value and intimacy of a nude is in the exclusivity. Like fine art, we all want one of one. Because it makes US feel special and valuable.
As far as implementing a re-nude strategy, you might try being vulnerable, explaining how that made you feel––confused, a teeny bit insane. You may request that moving forward, fresh nudes are preferred, for your eyes only. I probably wouldn’t do that though. Because I’m a Scorpio and I like to test people. I would call them out. Playfully of course. Something like:
“So! Those incredibly sexy, hot photos you sent––are they from your Getty images collection, or did you take them just for me?”
This is a great way to see what they do when caught red handed. Will they tell the truth or scramble for an excuse? Either way, it’s more information, more data, or meta data if you will. Ultimately, you’ll be able to get a clearer picture into where their nudie-taking moral compass lies.
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I like your life advice. Very cool. Hard one for me is quitting drinking. I suffer from intrusive thoughts (OCD). A drink or two each night calms my nerves and the thoughts. Curious to know how you did it? Thanks!
How I did it: One morning I woke to discover blood on my sheets, my nose broken, face lacerated, black and blue, a tooth cracked, and my house in a state of legitimate disaster. I had no recollection as to how or why. The story of my rock bottom is much larger than this particular moment but hitting it as hard and as low as I did, made it unequivocally, crystal clear that my life from that day forward would never be the same. I decided I HAD TO change.
The overarching feeling was a perspective shift about my priorities, coupled with a raging desire to meet my potential. I am aware it can be more difficult for people with less extreme circumstances to make grand, sweeping changes. I don’t know what yours are, but while a drink or two a night to calm the nerves doesn’t sound terribly out of control, it might be lowering your vibes.
So, I implore you to consider: what are your priorities? Where do you see yourself in one year? In five? Is alcohol helping you get there? Is it adding to your life, or taking from you? Are you being honest with yourself about your alcohol use? If you’re here, writing in with sober curiosity, there must be a reason.
My priorities are in meeting my potential as an artist, creator, friend and lover. But if I’m really honest, being hot is also of the utmost importance to me. The rock bottom may have landed me in my new lifestyle, but vanity has kept me there. Getting plenty of sleep, exercise and a healthy diet bolsters all my objectives, while doing wonders for my mental and emotional state.
I too suffer from intrusive thoughts. I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I used alcohol to cope and self-medicate, and ultimately it only made things far, far worse. Now, I do EMDR and other kinds of somatic therapy. I journal and practice Transcendental Meditation. I take Wellbutrin, which really tempers the bad voices. This may sound expensive, but consider the money spent on booze. Might you funnel that into something more beneficial? Ultimately, YOU should be your greatest, number one priority.
Sending love. You got this. If you want it, it’s yours.
(P.S. 12 step programs are valuable for so many, totally free, and a great place to build community.)
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I find myself at age 38 without ever asking anyone out or having been on a date. It’s hard to say if it’s fear, I have friendships with men and women. I do live the life of an introvert. For some reason I suddenly want to find a partner and I don’t even know where to start. I just want to put good energy out and hope for the best. –Longing for Love
Dear Longing,
I’m not trying to scare you, but I’ll be brutally honest. Dating is vulnerable as fuck, no matter who or where you are. That’s the beautiful thing about it though. You’re not alone––we’re all terrified. Some of us just do it anyway.
I would suggest some kind of immersion therapy. Like sticking your toes in a hot bath and easing your way in, allowing your body to slowly adjust to the temperature. Although these waters are filled with sharks and snakes.
It’s okay! One must wade through muck to find the most surprising sea-anemone flowers, mystical octopuses, dolphin parties and probably even Mer-people. Finding love is akin to discovering a Mer-person. Totally impossible, but once you’ve experienced it, you become a believer.
I do believe there is someone for everyone, and yours is out there. You’re going to have to do some uncomfortable shit though, and as scary as it is, you must be the change you wish to see. Try something you’ve never tried. Ask someone out.
You might get rejected. You’ll live. My whole life is rejection, and hey, here I am! The feeling of denial is a smack upside the head, an icy dagger. It’ll leave you crimson and tingling, but honestly, it’s awesome. This is how you know you’re alive. You have nothing to lose. Do you want to be on your deathbed regretting the shit you didn’t try?
No! And guess what else? It’s a numbers game. It’s statistically impossible for you to be 100 percent rejected. Someone will say yes, and that’s just science for fucks sake. Then you’ll go on a date. That will be the first step. And like a baby––or Mer-person with brand new legs––you’ll have newfound confidence and you’ll take another step. Soon you’ll be walking, dating, fucking, falling in love! (Not necessarily in that order.) So, dive on in. The water is wet.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*I am not a doctor, therapist or professional counselor. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack; HollyWould, watch her internet series; Manthropology and follow her on Instagram!
