Dear Holly,
My date and I like to share fantasies, and I enjoy that we are honest with each other. One of his fantasies comes from his youth when he slept with a lot of older women because he was well endowed at a very early age, like pre-teen age. It was part of his life so I’m happy to know what makes him tick. But getting into his head about something that happened to him when he was essentially a kid makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I don’t want to avoid sharing those memories with him because they still turn him on, but I also feel so weird about it. Help! – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Fantasies are generally a safe and healthy way of playing out the impossible or unthinkable. Some ought to stay firmly in the realm of imagination. I bet we all have some weird ones we fear exploring, due to the possibility of being shamed. I have one that I would never reveal––about a man going down on me in the back of a city bus. I’ve no idea where it comes from! Then there are the kinks or preferences that have developed based on experiences from childhood. For example, my father is a famous musician who likes to party, therefore I’ve almost exclusively dated famous musicians who like to party.
My point is, while your partner’s real-life experience might be considered taboo and unethical from an adult perspective, possibly even making him the victim of a crime, it’s not unusual for these kinds of past situations to turn us on. Humans are wacky animals.
As far as your discomfort in engaging with this particular scenario, that’s also acceptable. While I’m unsure of what the sharing of these reveries might entail—whether it be role play or reenactments—perhaps together you can come up with some vignettes that work for you both. Gently letting your partner know that it gives you pause to envision him as a kid when you’re in between the sheets is totally okay! It’s simply a boundary. Which is important for everyone, at every point on all sexual spectrums, in any type of partnership. May we all feel safe and comfy when engaging in this most intimate of acts.
Photo: Lauren Mayer
Dear Holly
Our bed has turned cold. I wish intimacy with my partner, but they reject my advances, coming up with different reasons, from fatigue to finding flaws in my daily behavior. They say they love me and show affection but won’t have sex, even if everything is right. What am I supposed to do? Thanks ahead. -Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this painful, yet super relatable situation. This type of domestic rejection is as common as a housefly, persistently buzzing in your pants and brain, likely pressing on inner wounds––the ways in which you may feel inadequate or unlovable. This can create quite the vicious cycle, and begging or negotiating rarely leads to amorous moods. We all know there is nothing less sexy than desperation.
Which is why, dear Anonymous, you must swing your inner pendulum to despair’s opposite, by finding your own fulfillment. THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER THAN CONFIDENCE. How do you become that? Maybe it’s time for a glow up! How are you feeling in your body? How’s your diet, sleep, hygiene? What are you doing for exercise? What are you doing for your mind? What inspires you, makes you feel awe and wonder, and pulls you from that cold bed of yours every morning? Are you in a rut, and if so, can you disrupt your deeply grooved daily patterns in small ways? How can you become the hottest, most alluring version of self?
When it comes to getting freaky, forget about your partner for a while. Stop trying. Rather than focusing on their lack of desire, turn your pent-up heat inward, and get intimate with yourself. Turn yourself on. Get a haircut. A new outfit. Masturbate while looking in the mirror. Smile at the grocery store clerk. Wink at someone as you walk down the street.
Find ways to have more fun with yourself. Take a fucking dance class. Take a bath. Read a sexy book. Stop scrolling! Bite into a crisp apple, taste its honey sweet nectar and let it trickle down your chin. Go for a long walk, inhale the scent of autumn air, bear witness to the miracle of leaves changing from bright green to fiery crimson. Appreciate what it is to be in YOUR body, here on Planet Earth. This is how you become the magnet. Magnets don’t chase; they attract.
If you can begin to live like this––walking around in your own sparkly, juicy sensuality, radiating warmth, beaming with inner bliss––your bedmate might naturally scoot on over onto your side. Shifting your energy by tapping into your own passion and eroticism will inevitably draw people in, stirring their desire––hopefully, your partner’s. But if that’s not the case, it might be time to rethink your relationship. You both deserve happiness and to have your needs met. Switch up your vibes, and maybe you and your partner’s needs can align.
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Dear Holly, I don’t usually fuck guys with cocks smaller than 8 inches, but my new dude’s is 7. Should I give him a chance? -Size Queen
Dear Size Queen,
Does one little inch really make a difference when it comes to matters of the heart, err, I mean… cock? Really though, I must know… how are you getting such accurate measurements? I imagine your screening process must be quite rigorous. Do they send in their own specs or are you appraising them yourself? What kind of instrument are you using? A wooden ruler? A tape measure? And the cocks are hard, I’m guessing. Right? Because a soft eight would be wild.
I would think it’s all about how said cock is being used, and what other methods, skills, and magic tricks are tucked up his sleeves. Perhaps the inch he lacks has helped him to excel in other areas. Like how a blind person might have incredibly sharp hearing, or a super sense of smell.
That said, we all have our standards, and I don’t like to bend too far from mine. We certainly don’t want to snap! You might compromise, but to what end? Especially because we all know, if you give ‘em an inch, they’re likely to take a mile.
Need Advice? Email: askholly@playgirl.com
*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, therapist or mental health professional in any capacity. My advice is for entertainment purposes only.
Holly Solem is a writer living in Los Angeles, CA. Read her Substack, HollyWould; watch her internet series, Manthropology; and follow her on Instagram!
